Not Again

I can't do this, not again. I got back from my 'emergency' visit to Dr Morten, pouring with sweat. I can't believe they call waiting five days an emergency appointment. I told him about the blackout and the feeling of electricity on my skin that has been there ever since and he asked me if I had started smoking again. I told him that yesterday I had moved the coffee table without touching it and he asked me how I was sleeping. I asked if the changes to my medication might be responsible for my recent delusions and he told me that they hadn't changed my medication.

I can't face going through all of that again and knowing that it isn't real. Knowing that it's just my broken brain misfiring. I can't face the blackouts and finding messages I don't remember writing. I don't want to see the faces again. The knowing others in crowded tube stations and cafes, who share my secrets and hear the call too. I don't want to percieve the patterns behind the words of the news again. I don't want to believe there is a dark hand guiding humanity to destroy itself. I can't face knowing that it's just me alone, just something broken in me that makes me see and feel those things. I am not a hero, I am broken and useless, only the drugs keep me limping from day to day and now they are failing me.

Dr Morten suggested I move to the observation ward for a few days, while they re-examine my medication. I just need a few familiar things in a bag and then I can go to the safe place.

"Case Notes on Daniel Vincent"